So if you know me at all, you know about my current obsession with Shauna Niequist. I know I am not alone in this. I see people everywhere doing little book/food clubs for her newest book, Bread & Wine, and can I just say I'm super jealous! I want to be in such a club!
Anyway, I digress... so she is just amazing. She has a way of putting into words exactly how I am feeling and I swear she speaks right to my heart. In Bread and Wine, she has a chapter called Enough. The chapter is kinda a combination of two blog posts part one here and part two here. At the end of the chapter, she says, "I'm practicing believing that God knows more than I know, that he sees what I can't, that he's weaving a future I can't even imagine from where I sit this morning."
It's the practicing believing part that hits me. It's not that she already believes this and it's just second nature to her. It is that she is practicing believing.
Oh this is so where I am at. My head knows that God has a plan, that he loves me more than I can ever understand, and that in knowing this I can rest secure. But really? Actually resting secure?? That is what is hard for me. It's hard when the shit hits the fan and life is harder than you expected. It's hard when you expect to be feeling better but you're still struggling. It's hard when all around you the world is moving forward but you're still grieving. It's just hard. And yes, I have many a good day in there and then wham! I'm back to a place of deep sadness.
But it's the practicing part that still hits me. I've had to say God's promises out loud to remind me that they are true. I've had to voice them over and over into the air so that I hear them.
Jesus loves me.
Jesus sees me.
Jesus hasn't forgotten about me.
And it's true. And this practicing believing these truths, promises that in my gut I know are true, it's the practicing that is making all of the difference. It's the physically clothing myself with these truths that are making them real.